jessicaberlin (jessicaberlin) wrote,

I'm very emotional today...

... so I might as well post here. It's been a long time. I never had a lot of friends on here, tribe dried up and I just can't get into facebook. So for a long while I was blog-less but I guess I write for myself, not for an audience.

I've been on this emotional rollercoaster of being very much in love and having (irrational) fear of losing my love that comes out in nightmares that have been keeping me up the last two nights. Lack of sleep isn't helping with the emotionally volatile state.

I go through phases when I don't like myself... because I'm not likeable. I don't know if it's hormones or what but I go through stretches where I really turn into a bitch from hell and drive my poor husband crazy for a few days and then suddenly it ends and I go into the opposite extreme where I feel really guilty and wonder why he even bothers with somebody like me and figure it's just a matter of time until he realizes that he could be happier elsewhere. That's where I'm at now.

When I talk to him about it he says "Don't worry, I still love you. We will be together forever." and those words are everything.

So I'd like to be better and I know that getting back into a more spiritual lifestyle will help. I signed up for dharma talk/meditation events this week and next and will see how I can make time to write and meditate and have quiet, creative time. I also want to be more sober when I face the social circuit. Quitting smoking a month ago was a step in the right direction. I just want to be more in control of my shit and less controlling about other people's. I want to be positive and supportive and not get trapped by the temptations of complaining and shit-talking. I need to get back in touch with my compassionate side.

Life has been so very good to me. Why do we get cranky when things are easy? Why do we get strong and deep when things are rough? I need to find balance.

It's time to figure out what happens after he takes her home.
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